bah humbug

It's Valentines Day. It snuck up on me.
I've been too busy to even notice being at school and work all the time.
I ended it with that guy, realizing it wasn't true.
And sadly, I realize that I just don't believe in love anymore.
The sadder truth is, how did this happen? (We all know) How did the most hopeless romantic in the world, once called a "love junkie", fall from the graces of belief in true unconditional love between people?
I want to believe again.
I just have no faith anymore. No inkling of hope.
What is life without living for love and living out passion?
It's a gray cloud. Thats what it is.
And damnit I need some sunshine again.

Building the New

It's been an interesting month of January.With intentions of starting anew, the past comes in and shakes things up a bit. I've done a lot of introspective searching. I've found myself debating a lot of things.And today, after speaking with Elizabeth, she quoted Socrates.

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

It's kind of my new mantra. 
Its what I've done in order to build a NEW New York life that I was so ready to leave behind. 
Focusing on a new career, new life, the NY life I've always wanted to live. Being fit (lost 15-20 lbs) keeping it off, taking classes for my betterment and working as a product and soon to be fashion designer. and love. I always wanted to fall in love in New York. I did with my last boyfriend even though he didn't live here. 

But this is about NEW so new love. New love is only possible is you're open to it.  
I had already decided to open up to someone. But the time had to be right. 
This person has been very patient with me. Treated me with respect, like a lady. I hadn't shared much about my breakup with him for fear too many things or emotions would drive him away. He'd ask me questions and I'd just look at him and say, 'He treated me bad. That made it easy.' Trying to convince him and myself that 'easy' was the truth. He knew. And called me out on it like a true Northerner. But he also knew it would take time.
The last time I saw him, I actually got sad he left. The kind of sad I've felt before with Adam. And I freaked out mentally telling myself I can't see him anymore and it had to end so I wouldn't get hurt again.
But hearing this quote made me realize it's time. 
Time to build back up and hopefully be able to trust someone again on a personal level.

Wish me luck.