ok I'm behind

Sorry guys. The past couple weeks have been a little intense but not enough to put out there on the blogosphere. sorry again.

on another note:

I'll be honest I'm a little bored with life. Bored with rehearsal and feeling completely and utterly unproductive.

But things have changed and are looking up because I've pursued a couple opportunities that can change my outlook and hopefully at least 20 hours a week of my life.

I won't elaborate bc supposedly the more you talk about something the less positive energy goes into it actually happen. 

so wish me luck and positive vibes!

Another day, another lack of dollar

Thank God I pre-paid my lasts month's rent bc this month has been very tight. Even my bottle service gig, where I'm writing from now, is so slow. I can't wait to substitute this income with something legit and productive.
I've been on a rampage to find something new, preferably in fashion. That's the design form I want to tap into next. I'm always interested in the industry an since I left Ocean Drive I feel so out of the loop.
Something is bound to happen. something soon.

that explains it

The New Yorker magazine writes about a study on a 'new' developmental stage called 'Emerging Adulthood'

\WHAT IS IT ABOUT 20-SOMETHINGS?

TELEVISION DEBUT!!

So I made my national television debut today. yay!

A friend of mine from BBkings happened to need some models for a segment (the magazine happened to be a sister magazine of the one that laid me off)
I enthusiastically accept and call time is 8am.
I later find out I'm to do the shoot with my buddies Alex and Maranda which calms my nerves a lot.

I go straight into hair and makeup. While sitting in the hair chair, I get a glimpse of Martha Stewart who is a guest on the TODAY show that morning. I think it's funny when the 'competitors' are guests on each other's shows.

I find out I'm the first look of the lineup(Sweet!) Hair is a low chignon and makeup is glam with red lips. Not too far off from my average going out style. LOL
I then try on the shoes. They're 2 sizes too big. I'm not kidding. For whatever reason they couldn't get size 7 shoes. I wore them anyway with hoped they wouldn't notice. She mentioned my 'look' is very Audrey Hepburn with the cashmere black turtleneck, black cropped pants and a stylish trench and ballet flats. Funny. This is my favorite look. "Audrey" was my fashion icon.

Then came the waiting game. We weren't allowed to sit once dressed. Understandable but annoying. Everyone looked gorgeous. The producers and the camera talent were hilarious and made us laugh until the camera's were rolling. My heart was beating super fast when they called 'places' and did the countdown but I just went out there and did it. It's so much more private, no audience or anything, just the people around you filming. I can totally do that. I think my nerves are what kill my theater auditions.
Film I can do.
Bring it.

Update:

I should know better than order fish at a diner.
Instead of fish filet, I had a tomato and tartar sauce sandwich. God help me.

Sniffle, snort, snot

Hospitality here is another world. Its not like any other place because 90% of the servers/bartenders are writers, actors, dancers, models or people just trying to figure out what they are doing here in NY. The other 10% are waiters-for-life. Of those 90% I'd say about 30% are the go-getters, 40% are cruisers, and the other 20% may end up waiters for life. In all honesty, I teeter between the go-getters and the cruisers. I have to keep my discipline in check all the time. There is always more I can do to better my chances of being successful. Its a full-time job and takes up every moment of your free time. My personality/social life battle this because frankly, I don't like working every minute of the day. I don't know anybody who does. But there are many times, and hopefully more, that the work pays off.

My friend and fellow co-worker Ryan auditioned for Imaginarium off-Broadway. The director liked him but didn't give him a role  but asked him to rehearse anyway. So countless unpaid rehearsals later (the rest of the cast was paid) Ryan had another opportunity, unpaid, where he would at least perform in a lead. In the middle of a night shift, waiting on a bunch of tables, he got a call from the director that wanted to cast him in the show. Off- Broadway. That is huge. Nowadays, big business had taken over a large chunk of Broadway so many amazing shows are 'Off'. So Ryan starts crying and doesn't stop. His tables are worried and ask him if he's ok. Of course Ryan has to explain, 'I just booked an off-Broadway show!! (sniffle, snort snot, etc)' and the guests are saying 'Great! aren't you happy?!?'.. 'Yes I'm super happy (sniffle snort snot)'... 'Does this mean you can quit your waiter gig?!'.... 'Nooooo it doesn't pay that much!' which then made him cry even more.
LOL
Here's to Ryan and for many more!

some of my favorite lyrics from Next to Normal 'Hey 3'

HENRY
Hey

NATALIE
Hey


HENRY
You look like a star
A vision in blue


NATALIE
Oh I do?


HENRY
And you are
Hey, you came


NATALIE
Well I said that I might


HENRY
I thought we were through
Me and you


NATALIE
Not tonight


HENRY
Will you mom be ok?


NATALIE
Well she might be some day.


HENRY
But for now it's all fine?


NATALIE
She's still on my mind.


HENRY
Can you leave it behind?


NATALIE
Hey, hey


HENRY
Stay, let's see this thing through


NATALIE
Am I crazy?
I might end up crazy


HENRY
I'll be here for you


NATALIE
You say that right here
But then give it a year
Or 10 years or a life
And I could end up your wife
Sitting staring at walls
Throwing shit down the stairs
Freaking out at the store
Running nude down the street
Bleeding out in the bath


HENRY
Perfect for you
I will be perfect for you
So you could go crazy
Or I could go crazy, it's true
Sometimes life isn't sane
But crazy I know I can do
Cause crazy is perfect
And fucked up is perfect
So I will be perfect


NATALIE
Perfect


BOTH
Perfect for you

rant and rave

Its hard enough, as it is, to perform in front of anyone.
I now realize how important it is to have someone that is 100% supportive of you. Its really tough for anyone - me especially -  to get up in front of people and perform. You're so so vulnerable. And when training you are ESPECIALLY vulnerable. I am my own worst critic. I've hid behind my own facade all my life and kept myself quiet and cool. I didn't fully start training until a few years ago, decades behind the pros. I know I'm not perfect yet. I can't express how important it is, and how excited I am, to find a person that will make me feel amazing even when I'm not, will hold my hand and tell me I did great even if it wasn't my best performance. Who I can sing to and be completely silly in front of because not only do I love being silly, they'll love it too.

Sooooooooooooooo...

I didn't want to announce this until I got final confirmation and it's now confirmed!!!
I'm going to be modeling on the TODAY show!! I'll be joining my friends Alex and Maranda modeling
I'm not sure what though but hey- whatever, I'll model hair pieces if they want me to! LOL

Song in my head tonight....

Baby Can I hold you
Tracy Chapman



Sorry
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like sorry like sorry

Forgive me
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like forgive me forgive me

But you can say baby
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you the right words
At the right time you'd be mine

I love you
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like I love you I love you


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjRo_CHSdt0

UPDATE

3. Pescetarianism in full force. I accidentally ate some pork off some nachos though,  but otherwise, great! I feel good too!

2. Wallet Stolen

DECLARATION

I'm going Pescetarian!

there.
i said it.
Now i have to.
:)

I'm very excited about this new decision. For those of you who don't know wtf that is, it's vegetarian who eats fish. It'll be hard and quite the challenge bc I loooove me some steak but I am going to allow myself one filet mignon a month.

How did I come to this decision, you say?
Well, lots of my friends have a lifestyle that are like this or worse. Frankly, I love burgers and meats but I don't feel great after I eat them. I've looked more in depth into this and your body isn't necessarily* made to break down meat yada yada yada... so that and I want to be overall more healthier and feel better.

It's my first day on the challenge and...
breakfast: espresso with milk, a cup of spicy almonds. (I'm terrible with breakfast)
lunch: mini veggie pizza from Jamba juice with a fruit smoothie,
snack: string cheese and an iced latte
dinner: pesto pasta, cheddar slices and tuscan crackers
dessert: Haribo gummies mini pack.

My meals weren't planned at all. I get hungry and choose what I feel is right at the time.
Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
I want to last as long as possible!

to movin on up

Some of you have reached out to me I assume over the past few blogs and I just want to say thank you. It  means a lot to me. I didn't even know half of you read my blogs. teehee :)
I also want to say that, yes, bc I don't know who reads, i tend to be more honest and a lot of times the entries are thoughts in passing or me ranting about feelings.
I think we all have bad weeks, or bad months, but life is a series of ups and downs.
and I'm bound to go up damnit, :)




Busco-me lyrics by Bebe

Soy una montaña rusa que sube que baja
que rie que calla confusa me dejo de llevá
por lo que los dias me quieran mostrar


i'm on a rollercoaster that goes up and down
that laughs and silences confused I let myself go
with the days wherever they take me

fantastic book design

the rings of the trees looks like sound waves vibrating. Natalie Olsen, Kisscut Design

excerpt from an email

'ok i'm at a weird point right now. I can't afford to live in my awesome apartment, where I've called home for a year, my beautiful little corner in this crazy city that helps me unwind, lets me cry and gets all the madness out of my head. I think I'm a little depressed about it bc I don't know where I'll be. I can't stand not having answers. It's unsettling.

Lately I've felt like throwing in the towel but I know I can't. Lately I've felt like going back to school and getting a masters in fashion. But I can't. Not if I want to pursue my dreams. I feel like this acting pursuit is such a slow process and I have the need to be productive all the time. All I do is read right now and though it fills my mind and educates me on playwrights and screenplays I need more than this. I can submit to all the roles I want but it's like my fellow actor friend says 'i didn't choose this industry, it chose me' and on a deeper note 'it chooses you', like a waiting game.

and I am so impatient.'

maybe i need more inspiration.

kate winslet should put out another deep flick.

bored and impeccably dressed.

bored tired restless lonely bored unmotivated
i'm in one of those moods where commercials reaaaally annoy me.
i don't watch much television to begin with.
i have a migraine.
i need a haircut. i need my foot to heal so i can start running again.
i want to turn vegetarian, or pescetarian so i can lose weight.
i need a pedicure. i want to visit my family once a month.
i'm so used to being occupied every minute of the day that when i'm not i feel antsy.

i want to kiss someone. i'd love brownies right now. i need to act. asap.
i need to jump in. i secretly love it when glasses break at work.
i love the cold feeling of the steel of an american express blackcard on my cheeks.
i'm scared to have kids. i'm scared someone will hurt them and i won't be able to protect them.
i close my eyes and imagine myself in ten years singing my head off on stage.
i close my eyes and imagine myself in ten years impeccably dressed.
in twenty years, impeccably dressed. my children will be beautiful and educated. my husband amazing.
in thirty years, still impeccably dressed. extended family in tow.
Forty years, still in love with my husband. and impeccably dressed.

Peace in the Northeast

I sent a peace offering to my x after our last argument.
A PEACE offering, not a 'lets continue to hash out all of our frustrations' offering.
Solely for the purpose of saying, 'hey- lets be quiet for a while and hope to have a friendship in the future.'
and yes I used the word Quiet in the note.
and he didn't get it.
I accepted his thank you but had to dodge and ignore his attempts at engaging in what would have ultimately ended in another argument.

if you know me, it wasn't easy.

100 dollar bills Ya'll!

So I'm selling my car from 1000 miles away. The grandma and her grandson show up with 46 $100 dollar bills. wtf. I told them I can only accept a cashier's check. So my brother escorts them to Wachovia, the money is deposited and they were all good bills. Woohoo!
 It's going to take up to ten days  to get the title put in their name and I'm freaking out that something is going to happen. I told them they should insure the car in their name in the meantime and they shouldn't be driving it until then. They want to wait til Monday to get the insurance, etc...
I'm still freaking out.
The grandson wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and I'm afraid he's going to rob a bank or something.

Stinky towel, NY is for me.

As a creative person pursuing acting, with a mother and family that are dying for me to come home or get a real job, it becomes very hard to handle at times. I would love to come home. I would love to have a solid job with benefits and a retirement plan. I would love to live a much easier lifestyle. I would love to see my family all the time and partake in every family vacation to different destinations.
But I can't. Not yet.  I'm not done with NY and I know its not done with me. This is the career I've chosen. It's one where I'm constantly working and in the end it pays off. You get out of it what you put in and frankly, the first year of it you don't have a lot to put in because you're just trying to figure it all out. NY, the industry, all of it. I've invested so much in a year and a half and made huge strides regardless of whether I have or haven't booked jobs yet. I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I'm ready to put all of myself into this.

I LOVE Patri and Sebastian visits

My beautiful sister and mother with Sebastian giving her some love

Sebastian looking for more Cheerios lol

Dyslexic but a nice guy....

Something weird is going on today.
I have a great morning with my sister and Sebastian, ordering in breakfast and watching movies. I head to my voice lesson, miss my stop, hop a cab, pay with card, and arrive flustered at my lesson. I start crying when I get there(more on that in another post) yet according to Will I had one of the best lessons to date vocally. (yay!)
I leave the studio without my phone and Will finds me to return it. I have a message from a lady from my Acting studio telling me that a man found my wallet in the cab and he will leave it at his concierge at 355 Fifth ave. I'm sooo thankful he is a nice guy and returned it. BUT. but but but, 355 5th Ave doesn't exist. I'm not kidding. It really doesn't exist and I called the receptionist 5 times to make sure it was right and asking for a phone number he, of course, did not leave. Two hours pass and I decide to start canvassing the area and go into every single establishment that had a security and concierge. 2.5 hours later I walk into 366 5th ave and the security had it in an envelope. In the wallet there was a note that said "I found your Wallet in a cab, please do something nice for someone today". ;)
is this some form of half karma? Getting my wallet back and knowing a NYer has a heart? but having to run  around to the point of losing all hope because nobody, and I mean nobody, security guards, concierges, tour guides, cabs,nobody knew where this place was, to get it back? I really had to work for the good deed.
Nonetheless, my bitching aside, I am truly grateful the dyslexic man had a heart and didn't steal my wallet.