Tuesday, April 26, 2011

this person will self destruct in 5,4,3,2...

ok thats a little dramatic. But its my favorite part of Inspector Gadget as well as it fits my entry perfectly, so be it :)
I'm feeling very overwhelmed lately. I'm stretched far too thin. I feel like I'm having trouble balancing work,rehearsal, friendships, relationships, social life, etc.. Part obligations and part desire yet I've forgotten to take care of myself. I haven't been to the gym, I was drunk/hungover all weekend (including church, bad Frances)
I leave for the Bahamas Thursday but frankly, I've already checked out mentally. I'm done with NY. I need the vacation. I'm just a little concerned that they're going to want to go nuts drinking, shots, etc... and I feel like I'll be the one hanging out just watching the girls and not really participating. I'm looking forward to the relaxation element. Maybe I'll splurge on the spa.
Who knows. Maybe once I get down there it'll all change.
Until then, I'll be sleeping, shopping and rehearsing.......
and more sleeping.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

mother vs daughter

My mother and I couldn't be more different.
She was ruled with an iron fist and tried to do the same with us. She wishes that I were more like her in my life endeavors. Unfortunately, the 50% free-spirited father side of me as well as I'd say 25% of her artistic side drive my life.
She lives life according to rules and I live according to my own.
I have made mistakes. I have learned. But the one thing that will never change is my open-mindedness. I'll accept a person for who they are. I've learned people can't change unless they themselves want to. She on the other hand will guilt trip and push you into changing Mussolini-style and frankly, the world just doesn't work like that.
I had a huge argument with her today.
And what she doesn't realize she's doing is pushing me away.
She's going to have to live with my life decisions bc it's clear she doesn't know what makes me happy. If making myself happy makes her miserable thats something I'm not willing to hear about the rest of my life and unfortunately it'll result in sparing her the details of those happy things until she learns to accept my decisions.
exhibit a: she still doesn't support my acting career. I hear about it all the time.
I really really hope to never put my daughter through these situations.

white buffalo 'love song'

I love it when men sing their heart out like this.
All their emotion is just flying out of their mouth.
I wish I could write and perform something that could harness that same feeling.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

more change

So after much thought, reflecting on past years photos and consulting the friends I decided I'm going to do something different with my hair. Its been two years since I've touched dye but at the moment my hair has grown dull and lifeless. The beauty of dyeing hair, especially if you go darker is that it actually seals the hair shaft and gives you more of a shiny coat, which is exactly what my hair was lacking. Nothing permanent, especially nothing red but maybe a darker rinse? or lighter? Should I wait until vacation passes so whatever color I dye it doesn't oxidize? I'm getting antsy.  I don't want to cut it bc I'm happy with what I have. I can't do the bangs thing, my features are too big. No se.
I'm bored.
another tattoo? hahahha maybe.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Brown Eyes

Brown eyes will you wait for me to follow 
I'm used to letting everybody down 
I've seen your face in our shadow 
Does it look as pretty in the light 

Will you save me from myself 
Will I save you from the rest 
Oh, brown eyes 
Save a little something for me too 

Full moon is there wisdom in your tide play 
The cold is come and now 
The love throwing everybody off 
Sleep just doesn't taste the same 
I'll be waiting till we're side by side once again 

Old love, how I wish we were an old love 
I've survived all this and more 
Oh, you're turning everything to dust 
And the wind is picking up 
Oh, brown eyes 
Save a little something for me too




Live:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFw_hgNGg0k

Not Live, studio version:
http://www.wat.tv/video/rachael-yamagata-brown-eyes-2vw6z_2f1xh_.html

Friday, April 15, 2011

'I said Change will do you good'

The first,
I had an amazing voice lesson yesterday.
We all know of my recent decisions to pursue film and commercials rather than theatre and to continue singing on my own. I had to tell my voice coach bc our regimen would have to be altered. Right when I walked in he said 'Talk to me'. The funny thing is, when I got fired and couldn't afford to pay for lessons he wrote me this very nice message on FB:

"You've got something unique to share with the world, I know you do, so whenever you want to get started again I'm totally up for it. Why don't you listen to tons of jazz and some cabaret and some cesaria evoria and fool around with that vocally while you have some downtime?"

At that point I had not mentioned anything to him about my change of focus. So its funny. He said that,  and since then I got hired at a jazz club and I'm dating a composer. Its all very weird but feels right.
So anyhow, we decided to just go through his book of standards and choose songs I know off the bat. After the first song, he stops, looks at me and says 'thats the best I've ever heard you sing'. We continued and throughout the lesson he told me that maybe with Broadway and show tunes I feel like I have to perform and stand out whereas with singing classics I'm more relaxed. He said my technique and quality are were on key the whole time. Maybe I just put too much pressure on myself to be something I'm not. To learn a craft and a style that I'm wasn't born to do. Although if I approach Broadway how I sing jazz it would work much more in my favor.

I left the lesson feeling at peace. Like the path ahead of me was changing. It was a beautiful NYC day, warm sunny and I called mom to tell her. She of course was a 'i could have told you that' attitude but I just wanted her to listen. She sounded happy for me. 

Second,
composer asked me to be his lady. Scary but exciting :) 
and he reads this so I'm not going to elaborate much. haha.

Third,
I decided to paint something for my living room using Luis's method. 
It uses the effects of nature, rain, landscape and movement. My colors are vermillion and magenta. Pictures to follow.

I'm sure there's more but I have to jump in the shower to meet the short film director to re-record the voiceover for it. 

OK 
It's not so bad.

:)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

clarity

I received some backlash from my last post and I need to clarify.
The purpose of that post was to illustrate my frustration.
and that its hurtful when people I care about disappear.

Furthermore, I don't use this blog as a means of direct communication. This is where I put my thoughts, feelings and experiences and whoever wants to read can read it or they can not.
Its entirely up to the them/you/whoever.
I really have no idea who reads this but if something upsets anybody please call me and address it and most of all don't think thoughts or statements are directed at them/you/whoever.

I vent. I talk shit. This is my train of thought, my blog, where I can and will do so.

Monday, April 11, 2011

friends for now? or friends for real?

I don't understand people and friendships today.
In the past two months I've had two people, both I've considered best friends, disappear on me. The first was involved in a month long teaching intensive which required her to be in class 9-5 and homework afterwards. I understand this and the need to prioritize and study. But this same person called me a week into it having anxiety and panic attacks, saying she was going to quit and I had to convince her to stick with it. Naturally, throughout the month I was calling to check up on her with no response. Not even a text . WTF. When the program ended she finally came back into the picture and blamed it on , you know me, I need to focus. Thats unacceptable. I'm your friend. Your BEST friend. You don't just disappear. Especially if I'm calling to check up on you to make sure you're not continuing these attacks, you most definitely take the 30 seconds it takes to send that text message. She apologized.

The second disappeared after my birthday and blamed it on being busy. Then his father being sick. Then on working on his writing. I obviously called his bullshit and after some 'I know you better than this' he finally broke down and told me. Apparently seeing me with another guy hit him hard. Now, this guy and I had dated in the past. Its been a long long time since we've been together. I didn't want to be friends after we ended but he insisted. So its been over a year and we've been the talking all the time sort of friends. He's been well aware that I've dated people.
The worst part is he blamed me for being inconsiderate and 'making out' with the guy in front of him. WHAT?!?! excuse me? This is after I received word that he was hitting on some friends of mine which at this point I overlooked. I was shocked. I told him that I can't apologize for something that I don't remember happening. It also sucks that I didn't want to be friends after we ended our dating run, gave in, and now that I've moved on I'm losing a friend bc of it? And rather than not responding to my calls and texts, why didn't he talk to me about it? I'm pretty understanding.
It makes me think he had ill intentions all along.
He later told me that it was him and not me and that bc he was upset, he realized he needed to step away.
I told him to take all the time he needed.

So, beyond ALL of this, when did friends stop talking to each other?
Especially if there are issues. Why can't we communicate anymore?
Maybe I just value my relationships more than the average person these days.
Sometimes I think family truly are the only people you can count on.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

and the prize for Best Header of the Year goes to....

NEW WAVE VOMIT
www.newwavevomit.com

The blog creator is Ana Carrete. 
I couldn't help but love the word/picture/joke mix of its header.

My buddy Jeffrey has submitted to it. Click 226 to read his stuff.
Here is his personal blog which is equally as fontastic.

4 stars and a margarita for both of you!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

BYEBYE Frances

This show has given me the stimulus to get aggressive on the commercial front.
I love musicals and I love to sing. What I don't love is the life that goes with theatre, the lack of pay and the constant rearranging of the schedule in order to do so. On top of that, every single person in this cast other than myself has a full-time dayjob so it makes me feel like, fuck, what am  doing? I need to go for the serious jobs which also involve a payday. And frankly, I don't mind the non-paid stuff (it tends to be more creative) as long as the commercials support me.
Then there's the singing part. I can't stop singing. I realized last night at work that I LOVE the old school standards. So many musicians come through and do covers and I freaking love it. At soundcheck yesterday the pianist started playing Who Can Ask For Anything More and I goofed around in an old broadway voice with a fellow actor friend Daniel Shelley who I'm sure will make it huge. I figure I'll go hardcore commercial and continue the Voice coaching for my own pleasure and maybe something will eventually come out of it.
Another moment recently was the other night hanging out with Tal and Sivan. Tal wanted to karaoke 'Baby, its cold outside' and I got excited bc I LOOOOVE the Ray Charles/Nina Simone version. Why not do that all the time?

I think of moments like that with Daniel and I smile. It may be a tough life but I'm surrounded by people doing the same thing and we try to make the best of our non-performing moments.
I'm surrounded by talent almost every moment of my life. Big talent. Major talent.
Its inspiring. and I should try to be more present and grateful.

Thats all for now ;)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

me gusta

to add to my collection of awesome fonted signs :)