Saturday, February 19, 2011

TV appearance!!

My friend at Gotham magazine needed models for their Spring Fashion segment so of course I jumped at the chance!
God certainly has a sense of humor because I walked in and Ashley, the ex I've spoken about in  previous posts was a model too.
I'm starting to think she and I are meant to be friends because we keep running into each other.
And she's super sweet and nice and I totally get why Patrick is still in love with her.
I'm not going to lie, there were few times I looked at her and thought, Damnit you're the reason I can't have him. LOL
But hey, things happen for a reason.

Would adding her as a friend on Facebook be too much?


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Alright Universe, I'm back for more.....

Its been a trying year but I find myself once again motivated.
I'm here to take back my life, my dignity, my talents, myself.
I'm over looking for love, excited about loving myself.
I'm worried about money (the job thing has me supertight) but I have faith all will fall into place and God up there will take care of me.

I've been reading the 4 Agreements Trio which involves the 4 Agreements, the Mastery of Love and the Voice of Knowledge.
My involvement in dating and the learning experiences that went with that had me convinced I was doing something wrong. The Mastery of Love showed me how to navigate in a relationship without being so focused on the other person and where they are, what they are doing with their life,etc.. It was an eye opener and I learned a lot. I used to be so 'what can you offer me' rather than 'you're awesome and talented and wonderful'. The last guy I dated was not the perfect on paper type but he was great in many other ways. It reminded me of Jeffrey and the freedom we had with each other.
That situation ran its course and suffer I did which goes against the whole principle behind these books. But I regained my strength and snapped out of it a few days later.
I changed my perspective on many things and I feel so much more productive now.

My last Eureka moment was walking home from the restaurant training. I was reflecting on how I needed to learn the restaurant menu to financially save my life.
So I posted on FB 'Learn like your life depends on it..' which is exactly what I was not doing. Like my music or monologues or the marketing campaign I've been wanting to do. My life has been depending on these restaurant gigs for so long that I got sucked into the unproductive lifestyle.

Learn like your life depends on it.
I never thought I'd have to do so.
Thank you God for giving me a smart brain.

Also, thank you for friends/fam that believe in me. Who knows where I'd be without them...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I hit the wall

Not literally. Figuratively.
I went out last night, overdid it and woke up in such a funk I called Walter and started crying. I told him I felt useless, like I have no direction and no control over any of it. I don't want to work at a restaurant anymore. I'm over the hours and want to make use of my brain and talents.
He was very nice and motivating trying to get me out of it but then of course I spoke to my dad and spilled my guts about getting fired (I didn't tell my family) and my boy problems and again, the waterworks came. I was so drained I slept for another 4 hours waking up at 4 this afternoon like a crackhead.
and no I don't smoke crack.

After my nap, I felt 1000x better.
I ate, and got myself out of the house in order to study for my tests at the new restaurant.
I drank my starbucks and made flashcards out of the 20 burger recipes we have.
I had to change my perspective from 'I don't want to work at this restaurant' to 'I need this restaurant right now until something better comes around so I can't mess it up'.
I joined a gym.
I'm starting to refocus and get back on the motivated wagon.
and make wiser decisions.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

if patience is a virtue........

I better win the Nobel prize. Every part of my life from work to money to love is put on hold for at least another week. I even have to wait for my paycheck to come in the mail bc I don't want to go back to work and see the GM or the guy I WAS seeing.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Monday, February 7, 2011

meh. and it gets worse....

This morning I woke up at 6am, couldn't sleep for another hour, fell back asleep til ten. I woke up feeling awful. mentally, physically, emotionally just a mess bc of some bad news I found out about the guy I like. Apparently his ex may or may not be in the picture. Super-bummed me out and I'm at odds of what to do with myself and whether or not I should confront him or wait and see if he brings it up. I managed to get out of bed and make breakfast. I watched yesterday's Glee episode and it made me feel better. I had a casting call for Boardwalk Empire with Chris and Monica and who of ALL 19 MILLION people in NY do I run into?
His ex-girlfriend.
I seriously can't write this any better. My life is officially a movie. She gave me a hug too.
Thats the last person I wanted to see today but luckily we had to go to the end of the line so I make a quick escape. The casting went quick so I didn't see her again thank God.

Its been a rough week and I can't seem to find motivation. I've been to Barnes and Noble 3 times this week to formulate a plan, check out business plan and marketing books, but I've put them away every time.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


The last post was just the first part of a terrible holiday season. I got the flu which was good bc it slowed life down a bit and forced me to stay in.  I ended a dating streak with firefighter bc he was a dickhead. I had Christmas at Walters house which included me locking myself in the bathroom and crying bc I missed my family. New Years was ok I worked. I went home to Florida for 10 days. Mom got sick. I loved seeing my family and friends. I came back on a lazy note, unable to fully motivate myself to get my life in order again. I'm still feeling like that and to top it off I was laid off from my job. Its been a week since it happened and although I thankfully got a job, I really need to do something else. I'm so sick of hospitality. I'm ready for whats really supposed to happen in my life. I stopped the going out dating madness and decided to calm the fuck down. Its been a weird week. I've nurtured another relationship with a friend I've known and had a crush on for two years now. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks and he definitely knocks my socks off. Its been a while since I've felt butterflies. Unfortunately, he's fresh out of a relationship so I figured its best to take it slow and let him drive. its painful. long and torturous. I'm definitely used to being the agressor. but it makes it more exciting to see him. :)