Monday, November 14, 2011

The Benefits of a Breakup

We've all been there. Whether you're the enlightened instigator, the receiver who had no idea it was coming or it was mutually beneficial to end the relationship, breakups are common occurrences and not necessarily a bad thing. Other than the obvious 'you're better off...' a breakup can really give you material for a plethora of emotions you don't access on a daily basis. Confusion, rage, hurt, anger, sadness, depression, relief, freedom, loss, happiness, self-awareness, sometimes it's like taking baby steps back into your own sense of self, sometimes its gaining awareness of who you are and how you've grown as a person, a measure of strength, wisdom gained, a realization of losses or gains from being alone. They're tough. But when viewed upon as adding to the library of experiences in which to go back to, if you feel at a loss, think again.
You've gained.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Realization, Revitalization and Nourishment

So for the longest time I've had the crazy internal conflict between acting and design. Its mostly due to the thought of how can I be successful if I don't give one of them my all? It'd really eat me up inside because I always thought I HAD to choose and for three years I've been in a cloud of what ifs and torn up inside of leaving my performance craft bc of my lack of a 401k and benefits.
Then recently I realized I need to just see myself as an artist. I create. By performing I create emotions. By drawing I create something physically beautiful. By designing I'm solving visual problems creatively. But ultimately, I create and seeing myself as an artist that inhabits many talents took a huge load off my shoulders. Now I have no limitations. I should surround myself with those that do the same. I should continue networking and engage in conversation with people I wouldn't think to, nurture those relationships and continue the collaborations.
I'm thinking of taking up synchronized swimming on Wednesday nights. I want to draw humans. I'm creating a lyric book.
go go go go go go go go

Monday, November 7, 2011


Since my last post I've acquired a manager and gone out for two commercial auditions. I've had a laugh at both of them, one being a fast food commercial and convincing the public someone was robbing my purse and the other having to speak in a Mexican Spanish accent. I get so excited when I think the director likes me that I tend to obsessively check my email. I guess it's natural when you start thinking good things are happening. Pray that with these auditions will come come some steady work!

Thursday, November 3, 2011


I'm writing an hour before I have to head to an interview for possible, hopeful representation.
I never know what to expect in these things so a friend of mine referred me to Bryan O'Neals video to figure out what type I am when I'm asked.
After much thought and looking over my resume I'm usually cast as the pretty girl with a dark side. My characters have ranged from 1950's troubled housewife to 17th century prostitutes to It girl going through depression.
I've reminded people of an Audrey Hepburn and Marissa Tomei.

THAT was yesterday.
Today I've moved forward. WITH a manager :)
The interview went very well. I read copy, sang for them, went over what I want in for my career and the next thing I know they said 'Do you have Actora Access?... mark us as your representation'
I was elated!
They told me to check in twice a week and we'll move forward.

Something must've been in the air yesterday because my beautiful friend Vanessa scored an Agent at The Network East's Agent forum.
Things are looking up!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


I decided to take life into my own hands and contact the manger I've been putting off for quite some time. The first call, the lady was sick. The second call, the receptionist told me to call back in a week. Hopefully third time is the charm! I should probably send them a postcard with some updates and a cover letter.
My friend Daniel asked why I was postponing it and for some reason I think I need to have an amazing reel and resume and be super lean. I remember a friend of mine once told me, ' think of all the jobs you're missing out on.' And frankly, I'm the type of person the needs motivation or pressure so I created it instead of waiting.
Now I have til Monday to shed some eater weight :)

On the flip side, I finally moved out of the messy hellhole I had to call an apt.
Chris and I moved into a new place closer to the train. It's the perfect size and he and I get along very well. I want to try to convince him to paint the walls bc frankly, I'm sick of the beige.
Dan was amazing and helped me out all weekend. We're really trying to work things out and maintain a solid balance. We both get tired and moody to the point where we might need a nap or a drink.
Here are some pics from the shoot and the move.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Wrapped 'The Way of Glass'

I still have one more scene to shoot but the location is tbd so I need to wait for that one.
This is my first lead role in film. I was super nervous the week leading up that for whatever reason I wouldn't know the lines. I planned out a schedule dedicating one day per memorizing a scene. That left the days before the shoot to really get into the character. It worked. a lot. My character has a lot of religious/lifestyle conflict. She has a few breakdown scenes. The first take of each scene I got an applause. It was great to hear. :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Evaristo's 'Impura' Music Video Shoot

So the Music Video shoot went very well. 
Evaristo and Roberto were lots of fun and very professional.


New Haircut

I've been feeling extremely boring with my overall look lately and decided its time to make a change. For years, I've sported long brown hair with layers.  A few years back I did the black hair thing and loved it but it just got too long. I felt like Cher so I chopped it off Uma Thurman-esque to grow out my own color. I love my brown color but again, I'm getting bored.
Bangs were always an option but its always been scary to me and I'm a slight commitment-phobe. I'm glad I took the plunge. Voila! I feel sassy and fun again. I wanted to go shopping for my coveted leopard cardigan asap. Its funny the psychology of a haircut. At least for women. It's probably along the lines of how women feel better if they have makeup on. No se.
So here's a before picture
(simulating the cut before I take the plunge). I must say, I'm pleased with the results.

Nicole did a great job!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Plane Reflections

Dear Lord here I am on a plane and I haven't written in so long and so much has happened. I've been to two moving on three weddings and spent mounds of time with family. It's been months and I must say these months have been joyous. My creative career is on track, I finished a theme song for the film 'supernaturals' and shot the intro. I shot a bunch of scenes for Alexandra Galvis's television class, I'm performing a love song at a Courtney's wedding this weekend, I'm doing research for Dan's short based on Franny and Zooey, and next week I shoot a music video. Wow that's a lot. I wish it was all paid but that will come later. What's important is I'm fulfilled. I couldn't be happier. 
I just spent time with my cousins from Texas for Beatriz's wedding and for the first time I felt someone from that side had respect for my career decision. Tio Frankie in particular made me feel like the coolest girl in school  LOL and really I just realize this life I chose is exciting. It changes all the time but as long as there is some sort of stability in there somewhere, I'm ok. 
And on a personal level, I'm in love. For some reason, I do best when I'm in love, and when it's sunny out. :) I've lost some weight, the creative juices flow and I feel good. I'm at Dizzys part-time which makes me feel less tied to anything and more free to go about my projects. I don't know why I can't commit to a solid job. I think I simply have no interest in doing so. Relationships I can, to full time jobs I'm phobic.
My mother and I got along really well in Puerto Rico. I never have her attention since the grandiose have been born and it been years since she and I had a trip ourselves. It was good to just hang out and drink and share stories with the family. She's lost a ton of weight exercising and dieting and thankfully she's still motivated to lose the other half. I'm very proud of her and hope she continues. She looks fantastic and her health has improved ten-fold. 
Goodness what else? I'll miss my grandmother. She's getting old and I when I was at the wedding I felt the urge to get married soon so she could be at the wedding. I really can't imagine her not there and it makes me sad to even think about it. Then again, my thoughts on weddings right now are absolutely just not there. I'm just now starting to build a career for myself. Well, a small wedding I could do but kids and such? No way. Anyhow, my career and getting to know Dan more are priority. Not getting married. 

Well here's to all the newlyweds, to more Acting gigs and to sheer and utter Joy.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


My co-worker Brandi got into NYU Masters program!!!!
The minute she told me I ran up to her screaming. I think the band sound-checking got scared for a second. LOL For those of you who don't know, this was the girl whose personal essay I edited a while back. I was going to feel really bad if she didn't get it. BUT SHE DID and I'm so proud of her!


I'm happy to announce that I just recorded the theme song for an independent feature film called 'Supernaturals'.
The best part is I learned a ton about recording and editing, I have new work up AND I got paid :)


A love that exhausts me,
sublimates every shred of energy I own into magic.

Monday, June 27, 2011

100th post!!!!

Happy Birthday Anniversary!
Ok I'll admit, I knew about this before and had already started a blog entry but for some reason I didn't continue. I think I got freaked out because you know, its a milestone and usually people reminisce about the past 100 posts, put on highlighted blogs, where are we, where are we now and looking forward and frankly, I'm not 100% where I want to be. I didn't feel like I had accomplished much in the past year and frankly, post-show blues had set in and I was in the 'what do I do now?' mindset.
So I will say, I'm in a better place. I have in fact accomplished quite a bit both professionally and personally between shows, music, tv stuff, auditions, etc...I had a beautiful trip to Puerto Rico where I found myself genuinely happy. I have a good relationship going with my boyfriend, I had a commercial shoot waiting for me upon return (key word HAD) I was with my adorable family, nieces and nephews galore. I've been productive and making steps to move forward. I have also thought about alternative career choices and pursuing more freelance work in the meantime while some projects develop.
I think my main focus right now needs to be to keep moving and stay productive. I have a lot of things I'd like to pursue and they each take a lot of work. A friend of mine went to a hypnotist and they said if the mind has too many things on its plate, it backfires. I need to maintain the 'one at a time' mentality or create a schedule where I can work everything strategically.
And also, limit time spent socially and with the bf. He's super understanding thankfully.

So here's to another 100 posts and being in a better place when I hit 200!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Acting as a Business

I think the biggest thing I've been lacking in my two years here is facing Acting as a Business professional. Its honestly due to lack of knowledge, know-how and really, confidence.

But all that has changed. I feel ready. I wake up everyday and think, ok what can I do today, whether its research more casting directors, make contact lists, paint the envelopes in which I send my postcards, etc.. Lately, with the help and inspiration of my roommate Chris, I've been on the ball. I've absorbed what he's learned in his online class and applied it to my strides.
I don't want to go into another industry without fully having made efforts in this one.
They say you get out what you put in.
Its worked in the past and I hope it keeps working as such.

Do you think these will get their attention?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

How Appropriate

Thanks Andreas


For the first time in a while, I've had to turn away auditions because I'm in a show. Now, that sounds a lot more glamorous than it really is. On their end it sounds like I'm a valuable working actor but really, the timing is just off. Every audition happens to be at night. On the other hand, I can't continue working if I don't book stuff.
Que joder.

Monday, May 16, 2011

how to help

I returned to work at Dizzys last night as a hostess.
Brandi and I were working together and I noticed immediately she was distracted. I soon found out she was under pressure to submit her personal statement for her NYU masters application. I asked her if I could read it. She had a solid three page essay on her background and desire to continue her social work through the non-profit sector of social work. I edited the hell out of it, grammatically and structurally, of course. The content was great. She was very pleased when I submitted the pages with various notes. My point is, it felt great to help her. It also felt great to use my brain. I love editing. I've never been superb at developing and writing extensive papers but I can always point out what needs a little work. I wish I could be more focused to finished writing my campaign. It's a little difficult balancing three industries while being proactive in all of them. Maybe I need a little more structure. Thank God Dan has his own priorities so that I have time to refocus on mine. He motivates me too. It works. and helps.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Opening weekend reviews..

Ok these aren't official but they are what people have told me this weekend. So I guess that makes it official?  :)
Random man: great job out there!
Little girl: 'You were great!'
Gabi: You're doing so well!
Alex: 'Great job!'
Monica: 'You're voice was so good tonight! I must take lessons. And now I can't get ByeByebirdie out of my head'
Jim from Fiorello whispered: 'You should have been Rosie'
Tommy (Mr. McAfee): You girls (Brynn, Shannon and myself) light up the stage every time you get up there!

I bitch and moan but I do love it come showtime.
And for the record, I think we have a fantastic Rose. I was flattered for him to think I was capable to lead.
I've a newfound confidence with my voice in this show.

Friday, May 13, 2011


I know it seems like I've been a little storm cloud lately  but today, forget it. I'm excited for the show, I'm excited to perform, I'm excited to see my friends and dance it up. We had our soft opening last night and it went great. I'm excited for tonight to be bigger and better with more energy and a louder applause!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


So after two extensive conversations, a good cry, and an hour long run in the sunshine I felt 1000% better. I got my bootie up to rehearsal and finally felt good about everything. I felt more myself, cracking jokes, able to laugh, relax and enjoy it the process. I decided not to stress about missing work this week and have some faith in God that this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now and it'll all work itself out in the end. Composer called me that night to talk over things and I feel like we are in a good place and moving in positive directions.

One sad note, my beloved Cintia has left the state and moved herself back to Florida. She was the one piece of home I had here. Nonetheless, thankfully I have cultivated a great group of friends and don't feel even remotely displaced. Her crazy ass will be missed.
Here's to you and all you do Tony!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Dear God,

Can I be Julianne Moore for a day?
or maybe have her career?
Either of the following will do too...

Muse Actresses:
Penelope Cruz
Julianne Moore
Kate Winslet

Friday, May 6, 2011


I used to like this guy. a lot. This was back in November/December but he had just gotten out of a heavy relationship so I definitely played it cool and didn't push anything. I would consult a mutual friend of ours for advice on him. She'd let me know what was up. Life took a couple turns and nothing happened. 100% ok. I realized this type of guy isn't the guy for me; un-ambitious, dabbled in drugs more than he should, painfully charming, painfully slutty, etc..
She and I still talk and work together. She's going through a divorce and I got the details on it yesterday. Apparently the marriage had been over for some time now. They had both been having affairs. So of course I'm like 'whaaaat? who? I had no idea!'
It was him.
She pleaded 'don't be mad! I feel so bad! I know I used to give you advice on him and this came completely out of nowhere.'
I go,
'I'm not mad, it's ok. I do have a boyfriend. But it does feel weird. So, it's just sex? you know how he is. At the end of the day he's always been a player no matter how nice of a guy he is'.
she says
'yeah of course, he's not fooling anyone if he tries to do that with me'
I go
'ok, because just last week he was texting me to hang out. be careful'

SO, of course I had to work the entire shift with a mix of emotions going through my head.
Now, part of me doesn't think its just sex. She's going through a divorce so this is a serious rebound and we all know how emotions run deep with those things as much as the parties deny it.
I'm not mad but its weird. After much thought I think I felt weird because I've never A. had a friend go after I guy I liked or B. sleep with the same guy as me, thats just weird. feels dirty but I guess I'm not the one getting dirty.
Anyhow, I think the fact that she was the consulting person makes it shady.
But who knows, maybe its exactly what she says, it just happened.

I did ask a friend of mine her opinion and she said 'hey, she's picking up the scraps, sloppy seconds.'
I'm just not the type of person that would sleep with a guy my friend has slept with.
And if a friend of mine wanted to, I'd be ok if they were in love and really pursuing a relationship out of it. Not just sex, there are a million people in the world to sleep with.
Oh well.
It is what it is.
and I'm happy with my own situation.

Google Ads are the best

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Motivation station

I got home, a little depressed because I wasn't ready to mentally get into NY mode. Waiting for  me was an unassembled desk, chair and bookcase. While in Miami, I couldn't wait to get home. It was a symbol for me. I think I can't mentally get in work mode unless I have a workspace setup. Its weird, but that's how my mind works. I used to want my room to be as calm and relaxing as possible. and it worked, completely. I was so relaxed that I became inefficient.
So I arrived and immediately, without unpacking my bags, started to assemble the furniture. It felt good, productive, kind of a foreshadowing of what I want my life to become.
I also felt, with the recent decision of film only, that I should look for a full-time job. Since film and commercials are more flexible and only consist of a few days of filming, I can work around it while still maintaining some professional status. I'm not giving up the dream. I see it as a new strategy.
SO now the question is, what sort of full-time job should I approach. The thought of working for someone else, under someone else sounds awful. And where do I start? I've wanted to pursue fashion and maybe continue design and the common sense melding of the two could be textile design. Yet, where do I start? and how do I approach it without sacrificing my film?
I felt lost.
Then I remembered the campaign I've been wanting to start. And I realized this is the ticket I need. I'll be working for myself, hopefully with the funding/help of big companies. It could lead to other things. I have tons of ideas, I just need to put them on paper.
Cue the new workstation and I've already done tons of research and found lots of articles on nonprofits, criticism, information that I need to meld my proposal into one. I think if I go ahead and design the look of everything including the prposal, it'll make more sense where I need to plug in information for the pages.
ok enough banter I have research to do.


Monday, May 2, 2011

Rest and ..What?!

This weekend, the surprise Bachelorette of the century was incredible.

It did involve ridiculous amounts of alcohol and sunshine. Embarkation Day was fantastic. We arrive, everyone is antsy for all the members of the party to get there. We arrange for the band to allow us to get on stage and sing Courtney the song that was written for her by some of the girls. As she's coming down the stairs, 25 women from her life are chanting announcing her wedding plans, how excited we are to be there, and that Courtney wet her pants. Her face was in permanent smile shock for at least another hour. The party continues by the pool. Everyone is dancing and now I'm a little blurry bc there were definitely wacky events every evening; from boobs at the bar to Courtney doing yoga positions in her bikini with balloons tied to her breasts and a blow up scrotum underneath her to random dance parties in front of the elevator by the guitar man and the whole crew lifting Courtney up and parading her like she was Cleopatra. She was indeed Cleopatra, a drunken Irish one, the Belle of the Ball, the most popular girl on ship, even the Cruise Director asked where she was after we left the ship to make sure she survived in one piece.

Day two was spent on Great Stirrup Cay, NCL's private island. Here is where I got fried. It was beautiful, perfect, exactly what I needed. Ugh I can still taste the rummy Piña coladas and smell the salty caribbean. I bought some gifts for people on my way out. We came home, showered, changed, dined, I had a heart to heart with Mrs Main over dinner then the festivities continued over drinks by the pool. At this point, Courtney is pouring beers over her head and my drunken thought process was 'I'm buying champagne for her to pour over her head'. silly Frances. It was the worst champagne ever. All this drinking and I'm not sure how but I didn't wake up hung over any of the nights. weird.

By day three I was done. I had to take a break and NOT go with the group to Señor Frogs. It was just too much. My body was craving sobriety. So instead Ashley, Colleen and I walked around the island looking at the markets. We returned to eat, I went for a jog, laid out, wrote some more of my business plan then joined the group at the pool when they returned from bar. Later that evening the cruise was hosting a 2 for 1martini special so we dolled ourselves up and headed there before dinner. Ashley and I checked out the comedian then joined the crew for one last night of drunken debauchery.

One moment of Note: One of Courtney's aunts is apparently an actors muse. Apparently, people who meet her get big. She mentioned a couple of actors that are now famous, I of course can't remember now. She told me I'm on my way and to keep pushing.

I don't think I could have had better roommates. Colleen got a little too shitfaced and started saying stuff like, 'Frances and I used to hate each other in high school' I'm like, Colleen, I never hated you' LOL oops. Oh well people get drunk and talk way more than they should and she was one of them throughout the whole weekend. Ashley and I were on the same page.  Our bedtime clock was in sync, our wakeup/breakfast clock was in sync, and at the end of the trip, our anti-group outing stuff was in sync.
I think we understood each other more by the end of the trip.
We're both pretty independent and not the biggest social butterflies when a group is that massive to talk to. I regretted not having booked a snorkeling excursion. I'm super bummed but its fine because I did enjoy myself that day and relaxed.

Overall the trip was a great success.
I miss my New York world and the people in it. Really its just the people.
and my bed.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

this person will self destruct in 5,4,3,2...

ok thats a little dramatic. But its my favorite part of Inspector Gadget as well as it fits my entry perfectly, so be it :)
I'm feeling very overwhelmed lately. I'm stretched far too thin. I feel like I'm having trouble balancing work,rehearsal, friendships, relationships, social life, etc.. Part obligations and part desire yet I've forgotten to take care of myself. I haven't been to the gym, I was drunk/hungover all weekend (including church, bad Frances)
I leave for the Bahamas Thursday but frankly, I've already checked out mentally. I'm done with NY. I need the vacation. I'm just a little concerned that they're going to want to go nuts drinking, shots, etc... and I feel like I'll be the one hanging out just watching the girls and not really participating. I'm looking forward to the relaxation element. Maybe I'll splurge on the spa.
Who knows. Maybe once I get down there it'll all change.
Until then, I'll be sleeping, shopping and rehearsing.......
and more sleeping.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

mother vs daughter

My mother and I couldn't be more different.
She was ruled with an iron fist and tried to do the same with us. She wishes that I were more like her in my life endeavors. Unfortunately, the 50% free-spirited father side of me as well as I'd say 25% of her artistic side drive my life.
She lives life according to rules and I live according to my own.
I have made mistakes. I have learned. But the one thing that will never change is my open-mindedness. I'll accept a person for who they are. I've learned people can't change unless they themselves want to. She on the other hand will guilt trip and push you into changing Mussolini-style and frankly, the world just doesn't work like that.
I had a huge argument with her today.
And what she doesn't realize she's doing is pushing me away.
She's going to have to live with my life decisions bc it's clear she doesn't know what makes me happy. If making myself happy makes her miserable thats something I'm not willing to hear about the rest of my life and unfortunately it'll result in sparing her the details of those happy things until she learns to accept my decisions.
exhibit a: she still doesn't support my acting career. I hear about it all the time.
I really really hope to never put my daughter through these situations.

white buffalo 'love song'

I love it when men sing their heart out like this.
All their emotion is just flying out of their mouth.
I wish I could write and perform something that could harness that same feeling.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

more change

So after much thought, reflecting on past years photos and consulting the friends I decided I'm going to do something different with my hair. Its been two years since I've touched dye but at the moment my hair has grown dull and lifeless. The beauty of dyeing hair, especially if you go darker is that it actually seals the hair shaft and gives you more of a shiny coat, which is exactly what my hair was lacking. Nothing permanent, especially nothing red but maybe a darker rinse? or lighter? Should I wait until vacation passes so whatever color I dye it doesn't oxidize? I'm getting antsy.  I don't want to cut it bc I'm happy with what I have. I can't do the bangs thing, my features are too big. No se.
I'm bored.
another tattoo? hahahha maybe.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Brown Eyes

Brown eyes will you wait for me to follow 
I'm used to letting everybody down 
I've seen your face in our shadow 
Does it look as pretty in the light 

Will you save me from myself 
Will I save you from the rest 
Oh, brown eyes 
Save a little something for me too 

Full moon is there wisdom in your tide play 
The cold is come and now 
The love throwing everybody off 
Sleep just doesn't taste the same 
I'll be waiting till we're side by side once again 

Old love, how I wish we were an old love 
I've survived all this and more 
Oh, you're turning everything to dust 
And the wind is picking up 
Oh, brown eyes 
Save a little something for me too


Not Live, studio version:

Friday, April 15, 2011

'I said Change will do you good'

The first,
I had an amazing voice lesson yesterday.
We all know of my recent decisions to pursue film and commercials rather than theatre and to continue singing on my own. I had to tell my voice coach bc our regimen would have to be altered. Right when I walked in he said 'Talk to me'. The funny thing is, when I got fired and couldn't afford to pay for lessons he wrote me this very nice message on FB:

"You've got something unique to share with the world, I know you do, so whenever you want to get started again I'm totally up for it. Why don't you listen to tons of jazz and some cabaret and some cesaria evoria and fool around with that vocally while you have some downtime?"

At that point I had not mentioned anything to him about my change of focus. So its funny. He said that,  and since then I got hired at a jazz club and I'm dating a composer. Its all very weird but feels right.
So anyhow, we decided to just go through his book of standards and choose songs I know off the bat. After the first song, he stops, looks at me and says 'thats the best I've ever heard you sing'. We continued and throughout the lesson he told me that maybe with Broadway and show tunes I feel like I have to perform and stand out whereas with singing classics I'm more relaxed. He said my technique and quality are were on key the whole time. Maybe I just put too much pressure on myself to be something I'm not. To learn a craft and a style that I'm wasn't born to do. Although if I approach Broadway how I sing jazz it would work much more in my favor.

I left the lesson feeling at peace. Like the path ahead of me was changing. It was a beautiful NYC day, warm sunny and I called mom to tell her. She of course was a 'i could have told you that' attitude but I just wanted her to listen. She sounded happy for me. 

composer asked me to be his lady. Scary but exciting :) 
and he reads this so I'm not going to elaborate much. haha.

I decided to paint something for my living room using Luis's method. 
It uses the effects of nature, rain, landscape and movement. My colors are vermillion and magenta. Pictures to follow.

I'm sure there's more but I have to jump in the shower to meet the short film director to re-record the voiceover for it. 

It's not so bad.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I received some backlash from my last post and I need to clarify.
The purpose of that post was to illustrate my frustration.
and that its hurtful when people I care about disappear.

Furthermore, I don't use this blog as a means of direct communication. This is where I put my thoughts, feelings and experiences and whoever wants to read can read it or they can not.
Its entirely up to the them/you/whoever.
I really have no idea who reads this but if something upsets anybody please call me and address it and most of all don't think thoughts or statements are directed at them/you/whoever.

I vent. I talk shit. This is my train of thought, my blog, where I can and will do so.

Monday, April 11, 2011

friends for now? or friends for real?

I don't understand people and friendships today.
In the past two months I've had two people, both I've considered best friends, disappear on me. The first was involved in a month long teaching intensive which required her to be in class 9-5 and homework afterwards. I understand this and the need to prioritize and study. But this same person called me a week into it having anxiety and panic attacks, saying she was going to quit and I had to convince her to stick with it. Naturally, throughout the month I was calling to check up on her with no response. Not even a text . WTF. When the program ended she finally came back into the picture and blamed it on , you know me, I need to focus. Thats unacceptable. I'm your friend. Your BEST friend. You don't just disappear. Especially if I'm calling to check up on you to make sure you're not continuing these attacks, you most definitely take the 30 seconds it takes to send that text message. She apologized.

The second disappeared after my birthday and blamed it on being busy. Then his father being sick. Then on working on his writing. I obviously called his bullshit and after some 'I know you better than this' he finally broke down and told me. Apparently seeing me with another guy hit him hard. Now, this guy and I had dated in the past. Its been a long long time since we've been together. I didn't want to be friends after we ended but he insisted. So its been over a year and we've been the talking all the time sort of friends. He's been well aware that I've dated people.
The worst part is he blamed me for being inconsiderate and 'making out' with the guy in front of him. WHAT?!?! excuse me? This is after I received word that he was hitting on some friends of mine which at this point I overlooked. I was shocked. I told him that I can't apologize for something that I don't remember happening. It also sucks that I didn't want to be friends after we ended our dating run, gave in, and now that I've moved on I'm losing a friend bc of it? And rather than not responding to my calls and texts, why didn't he talk to me about it? I'm pretty understanding.
It makes me think he had ill intentions all along.
He later told me that it was him and not me and that bc he was upset, he realized he needed to step away.
I told him to take all the time he needed.

So, beyond ALL of this, when did friends stop talking to each other?
Especially if there are issues. Why can't we communicate anymore?
Maybe I just value my relationships more than the average person these days.
Sometimes I think family truly are the only people you can count on.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

and the prize for Best Header of the Year goes to....


The blog creator is Ana Carrete. 
I couldn't help but love the word/picture/joke mix of its header.

My buddy Jeffrey has submitted to it. Click 226 to read his stuff.
Here is his personal blog which is equally as fontastic.

4 stars and a margarita for both of you!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

BYEBYE Frances

This show has given me the stimulus to get aggressive on the commercial front.
I love musicals and I love to sing. What I don't love is the life that goes with theatre, the lack of pay and the constant rearranging of the schedule in order to do so. On top of that, every single person in this cast other than myself has a full-time dayjob so it makes me feel like, fuck, what am  doing? I need to go for the serious jobs which also involve a payday. And frankly, I don't mind the non-paid stuff (it tends to be more creative) as long as the commercials support me.
Then there's the singing part. I can't stop singing. I realized last night at work that I LOVE the old school standards. So many musicians come through and do covers and I freaking love it. At soundcheck yesterday the pianist started playing Who Can Ask For Anything More and I goofed around in an old broadway voice with a fellow actor friend Daniel Shelley who I'm sure will make it huge. I figure I'll go hardcore commercial and continue the Voice coaching for my own pleasure and maybe something will eventually come out of it.
Another moment recently was the other night hanging out with Tal and Sivan. Tal wanted to karaoke 'Baby, its cold outside' and I got excited bc I LOOOOVE the Ray Charles/Nina Simone version. Why not do that all the time?

I think of moments like that with Daniel and I smile. It may be a tough life but I'm surrounded by people doing the same thing and we try to make the best of our non-performing moments.
I'm surrounded by talent almost every moment of my life. Big talent. Major talent.
Its inspiring. and I should try to be more present and grateful.

Thats all for now ;)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Petty Peeves

One of the shortest words in our vocabulary and its still misspelled. LOL

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I had a completely productive day yesterday. Making moves, making lists. For some reason I get anxiety every time I look at my work schedule. I recently opened up my entire week so that when rehearsals come around, if it interferes with my usual Wednesday- Saturday schedule, they can work around it. At the same time, the manager explained that I'm not always going to get the shifts I need bc the rest of the staff has to have coinciding availability, etc... and I'm the bottom of the totem pole.
So I got scared for a second. Scared of being scheduled too much bc ultimately I don't want to be a slave to a restaurant, or working too little bc there goes my income? Both?
And what happens? I'm scheduled very little. 3 shifts each week for the next two weeks. wtf. I like my 4 shifts. I can't live without 4 shifts. Then anger turned to resentment and I started to resent the show I'm in. a downward spiral of emotion. This is why I don't do theatre. But I love to sing. I hate being one of the few working actresses in the show. Everyone else has a dayjob.

So I started applying for a ton of freelance design positions.
And film projects.
That's more like it.
I'll keep you posted.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

phone pics

I wish blogger had an iphone app so that I could seamlessly upload these.
So Sweet. Makes me sometimes want one. jk. :)

Dave and John.
Love that he never ceases to have a sense of humor

View from Work daytime

LOVE this elevator button

Stumblebum Brass band. :) They were good but sometimes I don't want to see them getting shitfaced. Call me crazy.


I'm 29. Yay!
I think.
I mean, age is obviously one of those things you can't escape but I truly believe your attitude towards life as well as health can prevent you from premature aging. hah.
I don't have harsh feelings towards aging. It may just be a sensitive subject being that I've thrown myself in an industry where a. it matters, and b. it can be a long road before you deem rewards for your efforts. I'm definitely not in the place where I feel my successes match.  In fact, I think they've slowed down, or rather, admittedly, my efforts have as well. Well thats not entirely true. I audition quite a bit, its getting cast that's slowed down. Its confusing. And you're not supposed to let it get to you. But I' not getting any younger and thats worries me. I can't fuck around anymore. I don't think I have been fucking around. My efforts have been entirely to keep my life financially secure these past months and I was cast in a few films and a show. sigh. Ok its not so terrible. I am working. Its just not paid work. I guess thats not the success I'm looking for. (I have amazing stories though)
I need to figure out what efforts need to be made in order to get where I want and with whom.
Some have said take classes with casting directors so they see your work. Other say just submit for as many films as possible. Others say market the hell out of yourself sending letters, postcards, one sheets to those you want to be cast with. Then there are also those who say to gain attention, do it yourself. I've had two friends who have successfully produced and starred in  their own shows. My interest would be to produce film.
Now, all of this takes money obviously. Gabi has been pushing me to write the business plan for the campaign I'd like to produce. She claims, and I believe her, that it'll be huge. I'll probably be able to support myself for quite some time and maybe even start my own company where I can produce and star in my own shoots. I know I can do it but I've never written a plan before. I have no idea how to start up a company and pitch it to major major clients. She says she'll help me. What I need is to focus. I've been reading a book on strategy while at the gym. It's a pretty awesome book but what is it that's held me back?
Whats stopping me from jumping?

Good stuff

Monday, March 21, 2011

Silence before the ass-whoop

I scheduled an appt this morning to meet with my voice coach for the first time since December of last year. I'm not going to lie, I haven't been using my voice regularly in a long time other than practicing here and there. He's going to whoop me into shape.
and I need it.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Love is like a jacuzzi

As mentioned previously, I started dating this younger guy. I'm happy to announce things are going well, yay! But being older and I guess more experienced a few things have popped up that I can't help but mention.
He randomly said the other day 'I really like hanging out with you but I need my space'. I just looked at him and laughed. I thought it was funny bc we just started hanging out and its literally been a handful of times. I asked him if he's being serious or sarcastic, he was of course serious and I explained that we aren't anything serious and asked if he thought I was already cramping his style? He said of course not but he just wanted to put it out there moving forward. I told him to understand that I too, am a busy person and I don't expect him to be up in my business 24/7. 

Then I smiled, looked at him and said, 'I think you like me'. 
Then he smiled and buried his head in the pillow.

Its kind of like a jacuzzi.
You either put your toes in and decide its too hot, or instead walk right in and embrace the heat, knowing how awesome you'll feel in 5 minutes.

Monday, March 14, 2011

3rd time's the charm?

I've worked with the Heights Players in Brooklyn twice already and never got a lead role. It's been a few months since my last show closed with them and almost a year since my first. I feel like I've definitely grown as a singer and performer since my first audition.
I went out for the role of Rosie, got called back, couldn't do it bc of work. I still managed to get the part of Deborah Sue, one of the lead's best friends. I'll be singing songs harmonizing with the lead and her other friend. I'm really excited. It's a big step up for me and I hope to kill it when it comes to the performances.
and hopefully be offered a Rosie understudy

How young is too young?

I recently started dating this guy. He's a pianist, composer, very sweet, handsome and s doing a great job wooing me. But he's 24.
I'm overlooking it because he seems mature and driven. I'm definitely thinking about him more often than not. But at the same time I'm more focused on myself and my endeavors so he can't become a priority. I'm way too busy right now.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

You're no good, you're no good, you're no good, honey you're no good...

I can't stand it. The majority of my friends tell me that the guy(s) I go for are beneath me. They tell me  I need to get over (him) or find someone that suits me. But who the hell is that???
Seriously, I've dated the entire spectrum and frankly It isn't so hot on the other side. Momma's don't always teach their boys manners.
I want a boy who's nice and sweet, knows right from wrong, and treats me with respect.

And at this point, ambition would be awesome.I'm just not sure if its all really in the same package. :/

Saturday, February 19, 2011

TV appearance!!

My friend at Gotham magazine needed models for their Spring Fashion segment so of course I jumped at the chance!
God certainly has a sense of humor because I walked in and Ashley, the ex I've spoken about in  previous posts was a model too.
I'm starting to think she and I are meant to be friends because we keep running into each other.
And she's super sweet and nice and I totally get why Patrick is still in love with her.
I'm not going to lie, there were few times I looked at her and thought, Damnit you're the reason I can't have him. LOL
But hey, things happen for a reason.

Would adding her as a friend on Facebook be too much?


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Alright Universe, I'm back for more.....

Its been a trying year but I find myself once again motivated.
I'm here to take back my life, my dignity, my talents, myself.
I'm over looking for love, excited about loving myself.
I'm worried about money (the job thing has me supertight) but I have faith all will fall into place and God up there will take care of me.

I've been reading the 4 Agreements Trio which involves the 4 Agreements, the Mastery of Love and the Voice of Knowledge.
My involvement in dating and the learning experiences that went with that had me convinced I was doing something wrong. The Mastery of Love showed me how to navigate in a relationship without being so focused on the other person and where they are, what they are doing with their life,etc.. It was an eye opener and I learned a lot. I used to be so 'what can you offer me' rather than 'you're awesome and talented and wonderful'. The last guy I dated was not the perfect on paper type but he was great in many other ways. It reminded me of Jeffrey and the freedom we had with each other.
That situation ran its course and suffer I did which goes against the whole principle behind these books. But I regained my strength and snapped out of it a few days later.
I changed my perspective on many things and I feel so much more productive now.

My last Eureka moment was walking home from the restaurant training. I was reflecting on how I needed to learn the restaurant menu to financially save my life.
So I posted on FB 'Learn like your life depends on it..' which is exactly what I was not doing. Like my music or monologues or the marketing campaign I've been wanting to do. My life has been depending on these restaurant gigs for so long that I got sucked into the unproductive lifestyle.

Learn like your life depends on it.
I never thought I'd have to do so.
Thank you God for giving me a smart brain.

Also, thank you for friends/fam that believe in me. Who knows where I'd be without them...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I hit the wall

Not literally. Figuratively.
I went out last night, overdid it and woke up in such a funk I called Walter and started crying. I told him I felt useless, like I have no direction and no control over any of it. I don't want to work at a restaurant anymore. I'm over the hours and want to make use of my brain and talents.
He was very nice and motivating trying to get me out of it but then of course I spoke to my dad and spilled my guts about getting fired (I didn't tell my family) and my boy problems and again, the waterworks came. I was so drained I slept for another 4 hours waking up at 4 this afternoon like a crackhead.
and no I don't smoke crack.

After my nap, I felt 1000x better.
I ate, and got myself out of the house in order to study for my tests at the new restaurant.
I drank my starbucks and made flashcards out of the 20 burger recipes we have.
I had to change my perspective from 'I don't want to work at this restaurant' to 'I need this restaurant right now until something better comes around so I can't mess it up'.
I joined a gym.
I'm starting to refocus and get back on the motivated wagon.
and make wiser decisions.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

if patience is a virtue........

I better win the Nobel prize. Every part of my life from work to money to love is put on hold for at least another week. I even have to wait for my paycheck to come in the mail bc I don't want to go back to work and see the GM or the guy I WAS seeing.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Monday, February 7, 2011

meh. and it gets worse....

This morning I woke up at 6am, couldn't sleep for another hour, fell back asleep til ten. I woke up feeling awful. mentally, physically, emotionally just a mess bc of some bad news I found out about the guy I like. Apparently his ex may or may not be in the picture. Super-bummed me out and I'm at odds of what to do with myself and whether or not I should confront him or wait and see if he brings it up. I managed to get out of bed and make breakfast. I watched yesterday's Glee episode and it made me feel better. I had a casting call for Boardwalk Empire with Chris and Monica and who of ALL 19 MILLION people in NY do I run into?
His ex-girlfriend.
I seriously can't write this any better. My life is officially a movie. She gave me a hug too.
Thats the last person I wanted to see today but luckily we had to go to the end of the line so I make a quick escape. The casting went quick so I didn't see her again thank God.

Its been a rough week and I can't seem to find motivation. I've been to Barnes and Noble 3 times this week to formulate a plan, check out business plan and marketing books, but I've put them away every time.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


The last post was just the first part of a terrible holiday season. I got the flu which was good bc it slowed life down a bit and forced me to stay in.  I ended a dating streak with firefighter bc he was a dickhead. I had Christmas at Walters house which included me locking myself in the bathroom and crying bc I missed my family. New Years was ok I worked. I went home to Florida for 10 days. Mom got sick. I loved seeing my family and friends. I came back on a lazy note, unable to fully motivate myself to get my life in order again. I'm still feeling like that and to top it off I was laid off from my job. Its been a week since it happened and although I thankfully got a job, I really need to do something else. I'm so sick of hospitality. I'm ready for whats really supposed to happen in my life. I stopped the going out dating madness and decided to calm the fuck down. Its been a weird week. I've nurtured another relationship with a friend I've known and had a crush on for two years now. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks and he definitely knocks my socks off. Its been a while since I've felt butterflies. Unfortunately, he's fresh out of a relationship so I figured its best to take it slow and let him drive. its painful. long and torturous. I'm definitely used to being the agressor. but it makes it more exciting to see him. :)