Friday, December 20, 2013

On Loss, On Love

2013 has been tough.
I've lost a very close friend/mentor who drowned.
I was "divorced" (hah)
And now, to close the year up, my childhood family friend, Jose Moreno passed in his sleep.

When we were 25, he was in a terrible car accident where he burned 3/4 of his body. I remember the day I got the phone call I was at work and had a major freakout.
It was tough for him-years and years of surgeries and rehab.  He eventually married and fulfilled his dream of starting his own law firm all while still incapable of full use of his arm and limited use of his leg.
Then one day he didn't wake up. That was last Sunday.

I remember being maybe 8 years old when we first met. Our parents knew each other from Medical school in the 70's. Jose was my age. He was in my opinion the cuter one of the three boys. Total crush from day one. But eventually that all went away and we were family. We spend every summer together, most Christmases together. We went to karate tournaments together, visited our "cousins" in Orlando together. We graduated the same year and as all friends do, you part ways and go to college. But coming home to Jacksonville meant coming home to see the "cousins".  We may not talk for  months, but nothing ever changes. You're always excited to see each other and share stories of your new lives. We'd go to movies when we were tired of being bored at home. I remember Raul coming back from NY sporting Kenneth Cole and Banana, then Jose from Atlanta wearing Timberlands and joking with the two of them about their opposing fashion sense.
I remember one of the Christmases following his accident holding his hand and telling him that we didn't care what he looked like and that we loved him no matter what. And in his funny smiley voice he said, 'Aww Frances You're going to make me cry'. Then I cried.

It hurts to see someone you love going through such hardships.

Jose, I would have never wished this for you, but I know your pain is now over and you can finally be in peace.

I'll never forget you.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

I'm in a great place

The past is the past. 
My future is looking bright. 
My present is fantastic. 
My head is right, my heart is strong and
I can't wait for this exciting life God planned for me to get going. 

Bring on the awesome.

Monday, November 25, 2013


I'm a Latin woman. I get curvy. I get stressed and Lord knows I like food.
So naturally my weight fluctuates.
On the positive side- I'm feeling so fantastic right now. I've lost quite a bit of weight and my clothes don't fit anymore. It's almost like, God knows I was going through a tough time so he left the weight loss gift at the door. (Thanks!)
I've also signed up for a few races and have been running just a bit to keep in shape for them. I actually like the running culture and am happy to sign up for them. I have a half marathon in March I'm hoping to get into.
Now comes the challenge of keeping it off.  And I think I can. I have a solid structured schedule right now and when I squeeze a workout in it feels awesome because I'm doing it for me.
The food is another story. I'm pretty good about it but I definitely need to stay on top (no late night anything)
Workout tips are welcome!


Saturday, November 16, 2013

What I Did For Love

I'm a firm believer in fight for whats worth fighting for.
I thought what my ex and I had was worth it. I tried. I fought for it. I even offered a move. and I forgave him.
But there comes a point where you have to stop. Because I was putting love for myself aside. I was not taking care of myself and my needs. And that point is when you realize they aren't fighting for you and its completely one-sided.
So now at this point, its a weird feeling where, I can't believe someone would throw something so special away. Thats not the type person I want to be with. I don't respect people who hold no value in relationships especially at our age where if you find someone you truly want to spend the rest of your life with,  you work it out. You tough it out in the tough times, you don't just drop the person when you get busy. Relationships / special people are not disposable and replaceable.  And thats how he made me feel towards the end.

I'm not replaceable. I am special. I am intelligent, pretty, talented and worth a damn. So if he doesn't want to appreciate me, so be it because someone else will.
And frankly, I'm excited to meet the next awesome person to come into my life.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Til the Moons Upside Down

So let people wonder
Let 'em laugh
Let 'em frown
You know I'll love you
Till the moon's upside down
Don't you remember
I was always your clown
Why try to change me now

-Excerpt from Fiona Apple's 'Why try to change me now?'

Sometimes I play music just as background and while I'm working I'll hear one line and have to stop what I'm doing to focus on the song and look up all the lyrics in order to find the backstory. 
This was a gem and struck a chord. pun intended. :)

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Shoot Your Way to the Top!

There are some people out there that are so incredibly filled with positivity you can't help think 'wow, is this real?' Has NY jaded me so much that the purest form of joy is foreign?

My friend Monique is one of those people. She's so beautiful, so talented, so motivated. Anyone can learn a lot from this lady. She's starting a kickstarter campaign with her husband about empowering artists to create their own work on little to no budget.
Its a 'How-To' for any creative and applies, not only to the movie industry but others as well. It's about GETTING creative with your resources when you have very few.

Here's a link to the Kickstarter page. Any donated amount helps.
Please take 3 minutes to support the production of this documentary!

Monday, October 21, 2013

No Texas

Welp- the boyfriend and I broke up. (back in Sept)
It's been rough. Very rough.
Many reasons but one in particular was his thinking I didn't want to move down there. I'm not going to lie- it wouldn't have been an easy move for me but in the end, I would have done it for us. I would've made the most of it and had a successful career down there. In fact, I did want all of that, the wonderful partner in crime, the house, the yard, etc..I get caught up in things, fantasies, dreams and I think a lot of it he took literally. My friends who know me, know that it is just that, a dream. For example, I would love to live in Italy and work in fashion there- now lets be real, am I going to? Not at all, its too far from my family. I know even from my last post, the few weeks I had been starting the semester, I was getting excited at the prospects of the fashion industry. So I'm guilty of getting excited.
I just can't help thinking that the move was just around the corner and he freaked.
I also can't help thinking that wow, the guy who was supposed to love me forever, had a ring for me and a house for me and everything, isn't willing to try and work through a terrible fight. I know we all need time to heal from bad arguments. I'm willing to forgive but I guess he's not. and that hurts the most. letting go hurts second most.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

"You're a Pain in the Ass"

It's September. It's Fashion Week. I'm a few weeks into the full time program at FIT. I'm freelancing to eat.  I'm debating my future. I'm antsy. I want to start designing NOW. I know I can. But as far as working in the industry, I definitely need this semester to fully educate myself. Next semester will be working and taking the last of my classes. I love my classes.
I'm really happy I did this program. Once I'm actually doing to support myself, it I'll feel great.
Right now, the packed schedule is overwhelming. I'm with my family this weekend. I love them to shreds. More than once this weekend, I've contemplated starting a swimwear line to be close to them.
There've been many posts about a move to Texas. It's up in the air. It could or couldn't happen. There seem to be many paths opening up for me.

I always imagined myself a specific sort of woman. A successful career woman. I admire the likes of DVF, Chanel, Carolina Herrera not only for the clothes they made, but for the empire they've built. I've always thought on the grand scale. I've always wanted big and imagined myself creating something big. I once freelanced for this woman that worked at DVF for years and she told me once, "you're a pain in the ass- but its because you're good."

To me the most frustrating thing about school is the fact that there are no business classes in the curriculum. In order to achieve these grand levels, there have to be investors. There have to be financial support. They don't teach you how to get the money to do what you want to do. I need this. I know its possible to achieve all of this. I don't settle for mediocracy. Its not how I roll.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Oh yeah

This happened

New York is my boyfriend

I found that saying appropriate for my last few months .... My actual boyfriend don't like it- NY is the only thing keeping us apart. 
Nonetheless I was accepted into the program and recently found out that I can't graduate until next spring. I was pretty upset. I had mentally put myself in the 'leaving NY' position. It was such a long winter I was really excited ( looking on the bright side) of moving to Dallas. 
It really just makes me wonder why things like this keep happening. Something beyond our control keeps preventing us from being together. Is it a test of our love? Or a sign we shouldn't be together?
I can't express to you how much I still don't care for Dallas. It's not bad at all. Theres a small pocket of  emerging food culture comparable to  the likes of unpretentious Brooklyn that I'm fond of. In fact, thats where we'll live. It's just not great. I'm attracted to greatness, and cities with proven opportunity. I can't help it. On top of that, EVERYONE tells me they don't see me there. I too, don't see myself there but I feel I have to give it a chance regardless. 
What would I do if I weren't with him? Get a fashion design job in California. 

What I do for love right?

Thursday, April 4, 2013


Since the last post, I've been accepted into the FIT Apparel Design program, I've turned 31, and I've continued working at Grata and met a regular that is apparently famous within the NY restaurant world (I've actually witnessed another regular come in and was stunned that he was in his presence and ask to have his picture taken with him) that has so many connections here, he's told me he can help my singing career.
NOW- what does this mean?
It just means there may eventually be lots of decisions to be made.
Sandy, the singer I met before, basically is wanting me to sing with her on her jazz nights, which I will do. She asks me about my career every time I see her. And last night told me not to make the same mistake she made about being such a creative person that she is all over the place.....
I am admittedly all over the place....
I don't want to be. I want my life to be simple and focused. I'm bartending in order to save money and pay bills, freelance web design in order to save money, going to school in order to not have to do either of those and be able to sing and perform nights and weekends. I have no idea if what I'm doing IS the right method.... Sometimes I think I should just cut the fat, bartend to survive, and use the downtime to study singing. The problem there is that I don't want to bartend the rest of my life and thats where the fashion comes in. Thats a career I would love to do if I didn't have the itch to sing and perform. Thats my perfect life, freelance/design dresses and sing at night.
And who knows- maybe I'll get a regular gig up here where I can fly to and from the South.
And I'll be a singer with a fashion line and my husband will be a salumi king/golf pro...

I'm putting it out there Universe!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Courting Grata

Funny how the universe works.

I finally find a job bartending at this small neighborhood restaurant.
After a few days, I start freaking out because I'm making no money there.
They offer me extra cash to do their website, I'm hesitant.

Then yesterday happened.
A bunch of regulars come in. A few I had already known. I start to chat up the new people and they ask about me and my life and goals, etc... I mention that yesterday I had a text conversation with my ex and he's pushing me to stay in the acting field. I also mention my current situation, whether or not I move to Texas and that I decided to start uploading my new website (shameless plug- :) lol )
One of the lady's boyfriends comes in.
She mentions 'So Frances is an actress' He goes, 'oh thats great!, does she know what you do?'"
It turns out she was a casting director. I was stunned for a sec then say something like 'oh well alright then!' . I shook off a few nerves and was able to continue talking to them. She said she didn't mention it because she didn't want me to feel like I had to act or be nervous.
Then, a little while later, a jazz cabaret singer comes in with her husband/boyfriend. We talk all about the industry and how I've been studying it, etc.. She said she hosts some nights where people sit in with her.
I left the building just completely turned in that, maybe this is where I'm supposed to be right now. I'm getting design work and I'm meeting people in my desired industries that may or may not, but lets be positive and say MAY help me in the future.

And they feed me. lol

Its like being on a date.
You don't know where its going but you're both there then the magic starts to happen.


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Sunday, February 3, 2013


I applaud parents who support their kids wanting a career in the arts.
My parents were wonderful but looking back on how many times I asked my mom to go to the Arts High school, telling my mom I wanted to enroll in the theatre program at FSU, I always heard a straight 'no' or some derivative like 'why don't you get a major you can get a job in and pursue whatever you want after.' Not to sound resentful but they inevitably set me up for failure by not letting me do what I wanted. Especially when I graduate and they cut me off financially and I have no choice but to use the said unwanted major in order to grow up and pay bills.
And here I am at 30 years old complete with my desire to act, sing, dance. etc... But YEARS behind actresses like Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, (yes they're the 'it' girls right now, no I'm not comparing myself to them) whose parents supported their desires from Day 1.
Its frustrating. I know I'm an adult and am in charge of my own fate but you can't replace time. Had I been 'allowed' to continue to perform, I'd have so many years of experience under my belt I'd be much further ahead. sigh.
I know theres no use bitching about the past. You really only have one life to live and time never stops. Life continues to happen. I'm now faced with what is happening to me in that major life changes are about to happen.
I can only hope my future will continue to allow me to pursue performance.
Its just who I am.
I hope staying true to myself and continuing to work hard will pay off, no matter how old I turn.

on another note:
I'm reading a book right now called 'the $100 start-up' because I'm in the process of starting my own business to support myself and be able to pursue my dreams on my time.
One of the first questions they ask is 'Can you imagine yourself doing your passion 40 hours a week?' Rehearsal? LOVE. Rehearsals are my favorite. If I could spend all day everyday rehearsing and practicing for a show, I would.
Crossing fingers for the future.

Sunday, January 27, 2013


The idea of a short term Texas move is slowly warming up to me.
Why you say?
Austin has a smaller film industry. Not to mention the music scene there is also thriving.
Renee Zellweger's first commercial was for Bud Light while studying at UT.
Now of course, Austin is no LA or NY as far as quantity but there are possibilities and I've already cleared it with my boyfriend that he's ok with me driving down there for a few days if I have auditions and such.
Also, I'm closer to LA from Texas than I would be if I were here in NY.

While having this conversation with my man  he was like 'wait you're going back to film?'
I had to explain that even if I have a day job in any other industry, I'll always want to perform no matter how old I am.
I'll still be auditioning at 80 because there are certainly roles out there- this year a french actress, Emmanuelle Riva is 80 years old and nominated for an Academy award for her role in Amour.

If the bug is in you, its in you forever.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

What will I do for love?

I tend to be an serial long-distance relationship type. I don't intend on it ever, but within these relationships one party always has an amazing opportunity elsewhere, myself included. And eventually we decide to end the relationship.
So when my friend wanted to set me up with her friend that lives in Texas, I of course said 'hell no'. But thanks to social media he reached out and fireworks flew.
My first visit to Texas ended with 'So you'll move to NY in a year?' He smiled, said yes and kissed me.
Needless to say, plans change and 7 months later his business partner decided it was time they move forward with their plans.
He told me, I was devastated. I didn't shower for days and cried. Yes, that bad and I never thought I'd react that way. He was decidedly the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and now what?
I told him to stay in Texas- it's his dream job after all and I couldn't keep him from this, but what do I do? Four years of gaining friendships in the music, fashion and film industries, learning from the country's best, just to throw it away and become a suburban housewife? If you know me, you know that's not my style. But if I stay here it'd mean we wouldn't be together for years until his business grew and he could sell.
I've never come at such a crossroad.
The relationships have never been this serious. But I never in my dreams imagined myself in Texas.
I'm still at odds.